Length: Approx 2,500 words
Summary: Rodney wants to play with Sam’s pet alien
A/N: As my wonderful beta pixie_on_acid pointed out, this is not the Rodney we’ve come to know and love on SGA. The character in this story is based solely on the sexually aggressive über-geek from his appearances on SG-1, including the AU Rodney seen in Moebius. This Rodney still may be easily threatened in the lab, but he’s not so insecure when it comes to pursuing people he wants.
This story was written solely for the pleasure (and hopefully amusement) of my dear friend, raisintorte.
“I think I need help.”
Jonas’ panicked voice on the other end of the phone was not nearly so alarming as the noises Sam heard in the background. “Are you in a bar?”
“Dr. McKay said he wanted to take me out to dinner, to thank me for my input. General Hammond gave me permission to leave the base with him. But we aren’t at dinner.”
Sam got the sense that Jonas was trying to imply something with his tone, but while the idea of spending time in a bar with McKay didn’t seem appealing, it hardly seemed cause for an SOS. “What exactly is the problem, Jonas?”
He lowered his voice and Sam had to strain to hear him. “I think Dr. McKay is – what is the idiom you use for ‘making sexual overtures’?”
“Hitting on you?” Sam asked incredulously. “You think McKay is hitting on you?”
“Yes! Hitting on me.” Jonas couldn’t help sounding a little pleased at having the right phrase. “That’s it.”
“Jonas, I really don’t think you’re McKay’s type.”
“He was tracing quadratic equations on my thigh.” In the ensuing pause, Jonas thought the telephone might have malfunctioned. “Major? Major?”
“Yeah. Sorry, Jonas. I was putting on my boots.”
Sam stomped into the Marriott bar ready to kick McKay’s ass. She couldn’t decide if she was more irritated that he was taking advantage of Jonas’ innocence, that he had spent all that time scamming her to protect his sexual identity, or that she was missing the second half of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade on cable. Harrison Ford and Sean Connery – she loved that damned movie.
She came around a corner and was brought to an abrupt halt. Rodney and Jonas were sitting – a respectable distance apart – in a corner booth, Rodney apparently teaching Jonas card tricks. Rodney caught sight of her and nudged Jonas; they both looked up and smiled. Now she wanted to kick both their asses.
Stalking towards them, Sam eyed them both suspiciously. “What the hell are you doing, McKay?”
Rodney rolled his eyes and gestured with the deck in his hand. “Teaching Wonderboy here to count cards. I’m taking him to Vegas and we’re going to clean up. What does it look like I’m doing?”
“Dr. McKay was demonstrating different types of applied mathematics using the playing cards as a visual metaphor,” Jonas chirped happily. “It’s really amazing how many forms of math can factor in to a simple game. Have you tried these?” He lifted a half-empty vial to his lips and slurped down the contents. “It’s like the jello we have in the commissary, but better!”
“How many of those has he had?” she demanded, glaring at Rodney.
McKay looked thoughtful. “Oh, about a dozen, maybe?”
Rodney slid out of the booth with a laugh. “He’s had two. Relax, Major. And sit down – you’re calling attention to us.” Rodney walked backwards towards the bar. “What can I get you?”
“Nothing. I’m not staying.”
Sam slid into the booth next to Jonas. “Why did you drag me out here?”
“He was giving me the creepies,” Jonas shrugged.
“The creeps,” Sam corrected. “What do you want to do? Do you want me to take you back to the base?”
Jonas looked uncomfortable. “I hate to make you come all the way out here for nothing, but it’s so nice to be outside the base and see something of your pla… umm, town. Would you mind staying with me? Just a little while?”
Before she could answer, McKay returned with a tray full of jello shots and two beers. Instead of sitting in the large open space across from Sam and Jonas, he slipped onto the end of the bench, sandwiching Sam in the middle of the two men. Sam nudged Jonas who obligingly slid down so she could regain a teensy bit of personal space.
McKay held out a mug to her. “I know you said you didn’t want anything, but I brought you a beer just in case.”
Sam looked sternly at Jonas, who was giving her the puppy-dog stare. “One drink.”
Forty-five minutes and four beers later, Sam and McKay were hotly debating the proper identification criteria for supermassive black holes. Jonas, having downed another six jello shots, was busy grinning at the wall.
“This guy,” Rodney said when they noticed Jonas again, “is amazing, present state not withstanding. His rate of comprehension is like nothing I’ve ever seen. You’re lucky to have him as a protégé.”
“He’s not my protégé.”
“Okay, you’re lucky to have him as a pet.”
Sam insisted Jonas switch to water and sent him to the bar to get some. McKay made a strange sound as he watched him walk away. Sam caught him staring. “He’s just so new,” Rodney sighed. “Don’t you ever just want to break him in?”
“What?” Sam wasn’t sure she heard him correctly, because she caught herself staring too.
“You know. Like when you get a new couch, what’s the first thing you do?”
“Sit down on it.”
Rodney grinned at her. “Exactly.”
Jonas attempted to sneak in one more jello shot at the bar and ended up wearing it.
She recoiled at the suggestion, but McKay was persistent. “Don’t be stupid. You can’t take him back to the base like that – Hammond will never let him out again. Just come up to my room, I’ll give him a clean shirt and some coffee, and you two will be on your merry way.”
With a hand on the back of Jonas’ neck to keep him from wandering in the wrong direction, Sam marched towards the elevators. Rodney brushed past and pressed the call button. The bell chimed, the doors slid open, and they stepped inside.
“Nice boots,” Rodney commented as he pushed the button for the ninth floor.
Sam stared straight ahead. “I came over on the bike.”
He nodded appreciatively. “Sexy.”
“So this is a hotel room!” Jonas looked around in wonder. “It’s much nicer than the living quarters at the SGC. No offense, Major Carter – I appreciate Earth’s hospitality. But look at the size of this bed!”
Rodney’s head popped out around the corner from the suite’s kitchenette. “Does he get this excited about everything?”
Sam nodded. “Pretty much.”
Rodney went back to making coffee. “Feel free to test it out, Jonas,” he called out, “but take off that shirt first. I don’t want my pillowcases smelling like jello.”
“Let’s try not to spill this time, shall we?” Rodney set a mug of coffee on the nightstand next to the bed, where Jonas, sans shirt, was currently sprawled.
Jonas gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up sign. “You got it, Doc.”
Rodney disappeared back into the kitchenette, returning with two more mugs. He sat unnecessarily close to Sam on the couch and handed her one. Sam took a sip and growled. “McKay…”
“Don’t worry.” He gestured to Jonas with the mug in his hand, not troubling to move the hand that rested between them, so close it was brushing her thigh. “His is black.”
Jonas sat up and took a sip of coffee. Sam watched as his face scrunched up in disgust, and she relaxed. “I don’t get you, McKay.”
“Well, not that it’s surprising that you should find me so complex, but what don’t you get?” Rodney twisted on the sofa so his body was facing her. Sam wasn’t exactly comfortable with his undivided attention, especially since she was having a hard time tearing her eyes away from Jonas’ bare stomach as he stretched out lazily across the bed. It had been a long damn time, and he was just so… new.
“Why the deception?” she asked. “Why did you spend all that time chasing my skirt if you’re not into women?”
To her surprise, Rodney laughed. “You really are a dumb blonde.”
The hand on her thigh didn’t seem quite so unintentional anymore. The next coffee was a little more Irish than the first and Sam wondered what the hell she was doing.
“C’mon, McKay. You’ve listed half of NASA and at least a dozen Nobel laureates.”
Rodney set down his coffee cup and crossed his heart. “All true, I swear.”
“You are such a liar!” Sam insisted with a laugh.
“A slut, maybe. A liar, no.” He took the mug from her hands and set it next to his on the table. She quickly glanced over at the bed to make sure Jonas was still asleep.
Admittedly, her sense of time might have been impaired by the alcohol, but she really believed they must have kissed for an hour. Her lips felt swollen and her tongue was actually tired. “So this is it?” she asked breathlessly. “You really just make out with all the great minds on Earth?”
He smirked at her but his answer was equally breathless. “Sometimes it goes further.”
She nodded. “Good. Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to be enough for me.” She pushed him down on the couch.
The couch was too short, the floor was too hard, and if Sam was going to do this, it was damn well going to be good. She pulled back the bedspread and tossed the free half over Jonas’ unconscious form, covering his face.
Rodney’s arms were crossed over his bare chest. “Nobody sleeps that soundly, Carter.”
“Shut up and get in bed.”
Jonas might have slept that soundly, if she hadn’t inadvertently started using his hip for balance.
“Whoa! Whoa, okay!” Jonas bolted out of the bed and covered his eyes with one hand. “Ah, sorry?”
Sam felt Rodney shaking beneath her; when she looked down at him, he was trying hard not to laugh. She stared at him helplessly. “Well, look at him,” Rodney chuckled, finally breaking. “He’s blushing all over!”
Jonas peeked through his fingers to stare unhappily at Rodney, still trying to avoid looking at Major Carter. “I’m sorry. I just don’t know the etiquette for this situation.”
Rodney blinked innocently at him. “Are you familiar with the Earth term ménage a trois?”
“Rodney!” Sam protested. He tightened his hold on her hips and gently shifted upwards. She gasped and suddenly remembered exactly what they’d been doing before the unwelcome intrusion. Deciding to make the best of a bad situation, she reached out and tugged at Jonas’ belt loops, pulling him back down on to the bed.
The first time, Jonas’ arms were wrapped around her from behind, holding her steady. Her back brushed against his chest as she moved. When she tilted her head back, he leaned in to kiss her neck.
Sam let out a throaty chuckle. “You really do learn fast.”
She collapsed next to Rodney, panting, and Jonas stretched out on her other side. She clutched at his hand as it came to rest on her waist. “Just need a minute.”
Rodney propped up on one elbow and looked at Jonas thoughtfully. “Can I ask you a favor?”
Sam smiled and twisted to look at Jonas over her shoulder. “He has this thing,” she interjected.
“About making out– ”
“With all the greatest minds on Earth–”
“But you’d be the first alien–”
“It’s flattering in a way,” Sam concluded.
“Yes,” Rodney agreed. “You’d be in good company.”
Jonas had a policy about trying anything once. Sam got more than the minute she needed. She was surprised at how little she seemed to mind.
The second time was a tangle of limbs, a flurry of kisses, sensation from every side. Sam lost track of whose what was where, but it was alright – when she couldn’t figure out whose name to call, she just called out to God.
Jonas and Rodney were making out again. Sam’s alcohol-induced haze was beginning to clear, and somehow she wasn’t finding this act quite so charming as before. She resolved the problem with the aid of the mini-bar.
Sam was sitting on the sofa downing her third shot when they came up for air. Jonas beckoned her back. Okay, she thought as she walked to the bed, so they’re not Harrison Ford and Sean Connery, but they’ll do.
The third time – which was technically also the fourth and fifth – things got a little creative. Jonas turned out to be remarkably strong, and McKay was rather more flexible than Sam would’ve guessed.
Inhibitions were out the window. Neither Jonas nor Sam had an inch of skin left unexplored, but Rodney was too busy being bossy to get his share of attention. Sam didn’t mind that he seemed to get off on giving orders – she was ready to take them since it meant she could blame all of this on him later – and Jonas… well, he was built to obey.
Rodney whispered in Sam’s ear, too softly for Jonas to hear, “So this is what it’s like to have an alien love slave.”
As Rodney was starting to doze off, Sam punched him in the arm. “You are a devious little son-of-a-bitch, McKay.”
Rodney smirked into the pillow. “I’m a scientist. I like to experiment.”
Jonas looked confused. “What? That was fun, right?”
She had almost managed to fall asleep. Her head was starting to pound. “What, Jonas?”
“How, umm… Well, how do people behave after something like this happens?”
“Things like these don’t happen, Jonas. I have no idea.”
Sam rolled over and took Jonas’ face in her hands. “Listen,” she said softly, “if we’re going to work together, we can’t do this. Those are the rules. Do you understand?” Jonas nodded and she pressed a light kiss to his lips before pulling back.
“But Sam?” Jonas’ customary wide grin was back in place. “If you ever want to break the rules again, I’ll be around.”
Rodney nudged Sam awake and handed her a mug of fresh coffee. “Breakfast is on the way up. I think we better get Cinderella there back home before he turns into a pumpkin.”
Sam groaned and squeezed her eyes shut against reality. “Oh, God.”
“This didn’t happen, McKay. Do you understand me?”
Rodney’s smug smile was infuriating. He reached for another piece of bacon.
“I mean it. Not a word. Ever. Not even to me. As soon as Jonas is out of the shower, we’re going back to the base and none of us will ever speak of this again.”
He calmly poured a glass of water and slid it towards Sam. She was disgusted to find a note of pleading creeping into her voice. “Rodney. Really!”
Rodney leaned back and rolled his eyes. “Sam, who would believe me?”
“Bye, Dr. McKay. Thank you for an… interesting night.”
Rodney shook Jonas’ hand. “Goodbye, Jonas. Oh, wait!” Rodney rushed back into the suite and returned with his deck of playing cards. He tossed them to Jonas with a grin. “Something to remember me by.”
“Jonas, you go ahead and press the call button for the elevator. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Jonas walked away with a wave, leaving Sam and Rodney alone in the doorway of his suite. “Listen, Carter, if you’re planning to threaten me some more, don’t waste your breath. I’m very discreet. I didn’t even tell you about the SGC personnel on my list.”
“No, Rodney. I’m… wait, who?”
Rodney shook his head, but his tone was affectionate. “Dumb blonde.”
Sam grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and tugged him closer. “Shut up, McKay.” She leaned in and kissed him hard.
Rodney smirked when she stepped away. “Something to remember you by?”
“That was the idea, genius.”